Handout
Since most combat soldiers are struggling in one form or another with relationships, I think this is be a good time to talk about communication skills. If you do not know how to communicate, the chances of getting things worked out are not good. I’m going to talk about five basic ideas that I believe will be helpful. In order to use these skills, it’s important for you and Focker to be Centered. Focker is not interested in good communication. Focker is interested in being right, blaming, being heard, not listening, making assumptions, and manipulation to name only a few. Here are some guidelines:
1. Stop trying to be right and remember that every thought is a perception, an opinion, or a belief. Begin sentences with phrases like, “it seems to me, in my view, or my take on it.” It is freeing, because you never have to defend a perception.
2. If you don’t have to be right or get defensive, you are free to actually listen to what the other person is saying.
3. If you are puzzled by their perception, be curious and gather more information by asking, “I don’t understand, tell me more.”
4. Avoid assumptions. If you do make an assumption, check it out.
5. Be honest and open even if you are anxious about doing so.
If you and Focker are Centered, these will come easily for you. However with Centered living, it takes attention and training. If you are struggling in a relationship, I would suggest that you ask your partner if he or she would be interested in reading over these ideas on communication and discussing them.
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From the novel:
Doug: “What if I can stay Centered and her Focker is runnin’ wild? What if she isn’t interested in these commo ideas?”
Doc: “Stay Centered and keep Focker at Center. He will be itching to join the argument. You could say, if you can get a word in, ‘I would like to talk, but I’m not going to argue or raise my voice.’ Let’s say she screams louder and calls you every name in the book. You continue to stay Centered and notice that when you are Centered, she has no power over you. You could say, ‘I would like to talk when you calm down. I’m not staying and listening to your verbal abuse. I’ll be ready to talk when you’re ready.’”
Doug: “What if she follows you and keeps yelling?”
Doc: “If there is no way to get away from her, you take more deep breaths; stay Centered, and let her give you her best shot. After her initial rage that you won’t fight, she will eventually run out of energy because there is no fuel to keep the fire going.”
Rob: “What if the other person turns to physical abuse?”
Doc: “If the man is getting abused, he may be able to physically restrain the woman. If the woman is getting abused, get away if you can to a safe place. Call the police as soon as you can.”
Anna: “Pee Wee and I went off on my husband. We gave him our best shot. He just sat there and took it and I did eventually run out of energy and then I broke down and bawled.”
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I urge all of you who are having relationship difficulties to get professional help.
Listen to CM22
The goal is to stay Centered with your eyes open. Remember that you, your true self, are taking back the power and energy to guide your life from Center. This entire experience is designed to teach you the skills you need to do that and to help you with your training.